Trenton High is a Blight on Trenton

I don't think we should tear the school down, or even build a new one. Let's just board it up and put those fake windows on it. Paint some students in class sitting at their desks working on the boards, so we can reminisce about what the school that was, as we drive by. Or, why not just board it up one day with everyone in it? Like a learning time capsule.

Trenton High was rated in the "New Jersey School Report," in need of improvement for the 3rd year in a row. So let's see, it sucks, and nobody can even put a lick of paint on a 75-year-old building to save its life (a simple coat of paint might show the kids that people care about them and inspire less suckage), and we are going to build a new school? Duh, whuh?

So let's go over the options:

Let's build a new school. Well let's see, analogy time here. If I buy my son a used car and he runs it into the ground, do I reward him with a shiny new car to run into the ground?

And in this scenario, where we have a brand-new school to run straight into the ground, we've got all of the same playas on deck. How do we take any of this seriously? Didn't I see the School Super on the front page of the Trentonian wearing a clown nose? What's with that. Costume party or job?

Maybe they should gather up all the truants, give them a can of paint and a bag of hammers and let have at it. It couldn't look any worse that it already does.

Let's restore the old building: There are some advantages to the old school. For starters, you always know when it is raining outside. But if it gets fixed, you won't be able to tell if it's raining. Too bad. Considering that the building is 75 years old, and its worst problem is that it rains inside as well as outside the building, that's pretty impressive.

But why are there only two options? Here's another idea: Let's just board this bitch up! I'm having a painting party next weekend. I need some help. Can someone bring measuring tape to get all the windows sized correctly? And we'll need lots and lots of nails and plywood and a few ladders. I think we can cover every window nicely, so it matches so many of our other historic, architectural gems in the city. And we can board it up for a lot less than $170 mill. I figure we could do it for roughly $5,000.00, and we could take the rest and invest it in a new sign for the Trenton Fire Department. That sign is important, since at least 3 people a week see it lit up at night, and that can leave a lasting impression on a mindless moron for a life time.

So, let's spend our money where it counts. Board up the school!

Bottom line: fuck history, fuck the future, fuck now. We need a fuckin' cool neon Fire Deparment! Let's neon that motherfucka so you can see it from outer space. Alien firemen will be so motherfuckan jealous!!!

G Spot on the Downhigh Out!

Palmer Pitching Shitballs in the Twilight of his Career

Yo, Dougie. I know you were a pitcher in baseball, so you must know somebody who can come relieve you of your Mayoralty, as you have already been relieved of your senses.

Methinks that you is pretty much a dickfor. Let's see...most of the citizens want the residency issued enforced. The six council members who have a spine want it enforced. A lawsuit has been filed about the residency situation. So, this is not really a request, it's a demand. Residency waivers are not allowed, there is no loophole, but you're thinking if you scream loud enough you will win.

Don't think you are going to waste my money fighting this in court and get away with it. I don't have a lot of money, I also don't get a lot from the City of Trenton for my money. But, for whatever reason, you think you can spend my money with impunity, and not pay for it down the road. Let me tell you this, Rosy Palm, if you decide to drag this out in court, and spend my money with abandon, we won't forget it any time soon. I know I'm not the only one who will make sure the rest of the world knows about your recklessness with our money, too. So smarten up, pal, before you find yourself without a reason to wear those fancy suits of yours.

People talk about the gangs in Trenton. Well, gangs are bad, mostly because they are impulsive and frustrated. You sir, are a reasonably well-educated, well-manicured Macho Thug. There is isn't much difference between you and an OG in one of our street "clubs," only, there's no excuse for the way you carry on.

I guess if you have no problem being a kept man, then don't worry about me. Since your wife makes pretty good money you'll be fine. Mr. Mayor turns into Mr. Mom. You can ride off into the sunset of Hunterdon County every night. Oh, you already do that. So I guess it will not be a big adjustment.

Hey! How about this: Why don't you run for Mayor again. That would be funny. You have at least one vote already: Pugsley Pintella.

So you still got any heat? Do you still have any respect for yourself? Do the right thing and enforce the laws of Trenton, the same laws everyone else has to follow.

G Spot on the Downhigh Out!

Crime is down in Trenton Time to Buy!

The Grand Duke of Stirling, Joseph Santiago, keeps telling us that crime is down, crime is down. So why, then, are almost all of the cherished restaurants and their patrons gone from the city? It's because what most people want is MORE FREAKIN' CRIME, right? The restaurants may be dwindling, but that doesn't mean this city can't feed you what you need.

Here are some Chef Specials you missed over the last couple of weeks*:

Special One: "A good old beating/Robbery"

This little baby can be served up any time of the day, hot or cold. The price, negotiable, sometimes you forget where you put your purse and it costs whatever you got, sometimes you'll be so happy to be pounded into the ground that you'll give them your car. These little delicacies were served up on November 19th, November 26th, twice on November 29th and December 1st, and twice on December 3rd.

Special Two: "Armed Robbery with two sides of beating and a topping of pistol whip"

MMMMmmm, this is just so goddamned good, we just can't seem to keep it on the shelf. Quite a few servings of this were spooned up to citizens and non-citizens in past couple of weeks. Let's see, November 25th, November 28th, November 29th, December 1st, thrice. If you are really lucky they will deliver it to your own home, which they did twice on December 4th. We even have drive thru, one customer was all set to sit down to a knife tapping on the window of her car when she realized that the light had changed and she had better move on.

Special Three: "Beating A La Mode":

Just a plain good old fashioned roundhouse medium rare, with a sprinkling of boots to the head. This is just what you need for a perfect snack on the go! This is also quite a rarity. Unfortunately this little ditty has been in very short supply around here. The Chefs do not like to get their hands dirty.

And these are only the advertised specials.

No reservations taken. First come first serve.

But hurry, supplies will not last, Crime just keeps going down.

G Spot on the Downhigh out!

*No coupons. These offers are not available in Stirling, NJ.

Trenton Police Director Position A Hobby?

I've been reading a lot lately. Yeah, I can read. And this friggin' Santiago runt is getting a little tiring. Hey, Mr. Police Director, I'm sorry there's no friggin' Conference of Police Directors you can head up, so you can go galavanting all over the country, like that other midget mountain, who hired you does, while Trenton stews to shit. And Trenton is stewing to shit under your watch, pal.

Your reasons for not living here? Many. I know the truth because I live here and I'm proud of it. And you want to be proud too. You want the truth? I'd say you couldn't handle the truth, but I think you can. But you can't laugh at it, and snicker with your buddy Dennis Gonzalez, while concerned citizens are asking you questions at city council. The real truth is ugly.

Is it because of the violence? Well, crime is down (as you say), but bloodletting seems to be on the rise, or at least keeping a steady pace these last few years.

Is it because somebody sent your wife computer porn? It was likely breast enlargement or enlarge your penis stuff. As an aside, that shit works. I'm a 44DD and I hang 10 now. Woohoo! I never want to leave the house!! Pal, who doesn't get porn? In fact I would say there is a high possibility that you have beat the bishop to Triple X a few times yourself.

Is it because somebody, a hardworkin' Crip or Blood, sent you a threatening letter? Are you not in charge of a bunch of guys who carry guns? I get dirty looks and "Whaz poppin'" glances on an almost weekly basis from my local friendlies, and all I got is myself and some good Canadian lumber that shoots left, and I live here!

Let's see...the unions gave you a hard time about your pension? Whatever. Get over it. You got your pension, that's all worked out. But still you'll quit if you have to live here.

Did you not read the name of the position when you applied? It did not say fry guy at Mickey D's.

You want the truth? It's simple. You just don't have it anymore, and maybe you never did, you and your goddamn shit PowerPoint slides. What is that? Do you think you are some corporate executive? Your brand of bullshit wouldn't fly in the corporate world, even if you invented the the CockofthewalkBerry. Though, I think you could really stand behind something like that. You and Captain Sleepy could sell alarm ringtones to augment it (your ringtone would utter "crime is down! crime is down! crime is down!" and his would just be some hardcore snoring).

Hey! I got a Powerpoint Presentation for you!

Slide 1
"Fuck you!"

Slide 2
"FUCK OFF"

Slide 3
"ITS OFF TO FUCKOFFITY LAND FOR YOU!"

So take your pension, buy something sexy, and stop wasting my money and embarrassing me with your disrespect, and get the fuck out of my town!

Please.

G SPOT on the Downhigh!

My domicile is Trenton, What Else?!

I've been reading the papers recently and a lot of people are up in arms over people who make their money here, but don't live here, even though they's s'posed to. Well, they're not living here very much anyway, or in some cases not at all. Who loses in this scenario? They do, of course!

Livin in the city of Tren'on comes with many privileges. Name one? I can name more than one!

The Secret Rules and Regulations of Trenton:

Section 1: Motor Vehicles
I can ride my ATV/Dirtbike/Scooter/Donkey/Car on any paved, or unpaved surface I feel like.
Subsection:
1.1 Operator of any of the above does not need a) License b) Registration c) Insurance.
1.2 Operator does, however, need a helmet. A helmet replaces registration and insurance.
1.3 Operator does not need any type of lighting on vehicle, unless there is a Lunar eclipse.
1.4 Operator must pop wheelies, blow stop signs and laugh wholeheartedly if pursued by law enforcement.
1.5 If operator cannot prove ownership of above mentioned transport, then possibly someone else can.
1.6 Operator can only tint everything. Even license ID. If they can't see it, you ain't doin it.

Section 2: Community Events
Any and all "Light the Night" celebrations can and should end up with a beating of a civilian of your choice.

Section 3: Litter
Littering is compulsory. Just plain ole tired of carrying it? Drop it! Keep your ride clean by usin' the garbage cans God provided for us: the sewer drains!

Section 4: Noise
4.1 Music: The more excessive, the better. Any time, any where.
4.2 Dogs: canine homies are encouraged to bark their fool heads off day and night (and for the record, leashes are optional. Dog poop questions? See "Section 3: Litter" above.)

Section 5: The Media
Any "award-winning journalist" of a local newspaper (said "award" being for "Best Journalist Among Other Journalists Who All Suck and Like to Blather On and On and Never Stop, Even When They are 'Beugois' and Like to be Puppets Award") can say whatever s/he wants, even if it makes no fuckin sense. Said "award-winning journalist" will still get paid, but may have to supply his/her own paper to write on. Said "award-winning journalist" may go back to his/her home at night. That home not being here.

Section 6: Law Enforcement
The Police department is run remotely from another town, allowing for citizens to make own rules, and perform for Video Surveillance Cameras, which may or may not catch said performance because they are substandard.

Section 7: Oh yeah, Crime is down!

So there are some great reasons to live here. It's why I do.

G Spot on the Downhigh

Canada Goose or Illegal Alien, What's Worse?

Hey! I'll start out by saying, Canada Goose or Illegal Alien, what's worse, is pretty much a toss-up. They both leave their shit everywhere, they both live in flocks, and they both speak a language I cannot begin to understand.

Living in Trenton is best described as a medium security penitentiary. That's why I'm trapped here: I can leave to do work detail and shit, but I have to be careful what areas I pass through, in case I get shanked.

Trenton is an acquired taste, kind of like a sweet pain. A sweet pain is one that hurts, but just enough to make you feel alive; in fact it kind of feels good, like a sore back after a good work out.

The Canada goose has some pros: They can fly. They actually look pretty damn good, nice coloring. They can nip the fuck out of you if you get close. Got to admire that, Trenton!

Now the Illegal Immigrant has some pros, too: They will work cheap, and under the table, saving you money and taxes at the same time! Usually they are short so you can keep a lot of them in one place in case you need them, like a cupboard or fridge, or back of a pick-up truck, with your lawnmowers. And I've come to realize that them speakin' another language is really no fuckin' problem at all, because I don't really give a shit what they have to say anyway.

Now for the cons: The Canada Goose shits everywhere all the time, and it takes over parks and lakes like crazy. They also make a lot of noise.

Illegal Immigrant cons: they don't shit everywhere, but they also can't fly. They do, however, take over the streets with their illegally registered vehicles, which the local VPCA is working to straightening out.* And they do make a lot of noise, having fun and playing loud music, spending quality time with family and friends, and having cookouts and picnics, and doing all the stuff that we used to do in the 1950s. Fuck, how the fuck do they find the time to have fun?! That really pisses me off. I mean, they work 72 hours a week or more, and they walk around with shit-eating grins on their faces. I make twice as much as 5 of those guys in any given week, and I might put in a solid 20 hours of work in my 37 hour week. What the fuck is up? I need to do more investigating on this, that is a for-sure. Somehow I got to get myself on the that Illegal Train of Happiness.

So in the end, which would I choose for my neighborhood? Tough call, since they both don't pay taxes. In the end, I would rather have illegal immigrants, since the Canada Goose is a protected species.**

G Spot out!

______________________________________________

*Kudos to you ma fa's. It's about time somebody stood up and kicked people who have nothing, in the balls, when they most don't need it.

** According to the president of the civic association mentioned above, "THESE PEOPEL [sic] ARE HERE ILLEGALLY AND HAVE NO RIGHTS." Caps are for emphasis, and belong to the president of the association. No rights. No rights!

Busting a Sag with my Roast Beef Bag

I'm all for this saggy pants legislation. It can't arrive soon enough as far as I'm concerned. I'm not into letting my pants fall down, so you can see my underwear. That shit is for the birds. I don't even wear pants, I just walk around in my underwear. Not shirt, no shoes, no SHIT!

Legislate that! If some overweight slob at the beach can wear a speedo, that is covered by his gut and looks like he slapped a bag of chicken to his crotch, I can style in my boxers, my briefs, my boxer briefs.

I think these kids should take the next step, it's been long enough. Bust the sag, and let it out. All out.

Trenton City Council knows how to rock the shit! They don't screw around with litter ordinances or residency ordinances or any ordinary ordinances. No They are extraordinary, above the pile. Steaming with great ideas. I'm definitely behind them on this busting a sag thing. That don't take no balls.

Like the Grinch's heart that day on the cliff, grow some. Let it all hang out. Pull up the back of your pants, and then drop 'em, display what you really need in Trenton. A set of big ones!

My boxers are sweet, they come with a set of curtains, and when it’s show time I just pull the strings and voila! You got it: full on frontal nuttage. How you contain them is up to you, string, lace, cellophane, glitter, bandaids, a couple of spoons.... Do it your way.

So let’s get on with it. Cut out the sag and show your ballbag!

G Spot on the Downhigh!