Crime is down in Trenton Time to Buy!

The Grand Duke of Stirling, Joseph Santiago, keeps telling us that crime is down, crime is down. So why, then, are almost all of the cherished restaurants and their patrons gone from the city? It's because what most people want is MORE FREAKIN' CRIME, right? The restaurants may be dwindling, but that doesn't mean this city can't feed you what you need.

Here are some Chef Specials you missed over the last couple of weeks*:

Special One: "A good old beating/Robbery"

This little baby can be served up any time of the day, hot or cold. The price, negotiable, sometimes you forget where you put your purse and it costs whatever you got, sometimes you'll be so happy to be pounded into the ground that you'll give them your car. These little delicacies were served up on November 19th, November 26th, twice on November 29th and December 1st, and twice on December 3rd.

Special Two: "Armed Robbery with two sides of beating and a topping of pistol whip"

MMMMmmm, this is just so goddamned good, we just can't seem to keep it on the shelf. Quite a few servings of this were spooned up to citizens and non-citizens in past couple of weeks. Let's see, November 25th, November 28th, November 29th, December 1st, thrice. If you are really lucky they will deliver it to your own home, which they did twice on December 4th. We even have drive thru, one customer was all set to sit down to a knife tapping on the window of her car when she realized that the light had changed and she had better move on.

Special Three: "Beating A La Mode":

Just a plain good old fashioned roundhouse medium rare, with a sprinkling of boots to the head. This is just what you need for a perfect snack on the go! This is also quite a rarity. Unfortunately this little ditty has been in very short supply around here. The Chefs do not like to get their hands dirty.

And these are only the advertised specials.

No reservations taken. First come first serve.

But hurry, supplies will not last, Crime just keeps going down.

G Spot on the Downhigh out!

*No coupons. These offers are not available in Stirling, NJ.

Trenton Police Director Position A Hobby?

I've been reading a lot lately. Yeah, I can read. And this friggin' Santiago runt is getting a little tiring. Hey, Mr. Police Director, I'm sorry there's no friggin' Conference of Police Directors you can head up, so you can go galavanting all over the country, like that other midget mountain, who hired you does, while Trenton stews to shit. And Trenton is stewing to shit under your watch, pal.

Your reasons for not living here? Many. I know the truth because I live here and I'm proud of it. And you want to be proud too. You want the truth? I'd say you couldn't handle the truth, but I think you can. But you can't laugh at it, and snicker with your buddy Dennis Gonzalez, while concerned citizens are asking you questions at city council. The real truth is ugly.

Is it because of the violence? Well, crime is down (as you say), but bloodletting seems to be on the rise, or at least keeping a steady pace these last few years.

Is it because somebody sent your wife computer porn? It was likely breast enlargement or enlarge your penis stuff. As an aside, that shit works. I'm a 44DD and I hang 10 now. Woohoo! I never want to leave the house!! Pal, who doesn't get porn? In fact I would say there is a high possibility that you have beat the bishop to Triple X a few times yourself.

Is it because somebody, a hardworkin' Crip or Blood, sent you a threatening letter? Are you not in charge of a bunch of guys who carry guns? I get dirty looks and "Whaz poppin'" glances on an almost weekly basis from my local friendlies, and all I got is myself and some good Canadian lumber that shoots left, and I live here!

Let's see...the unions gave you a hard time about your pension? Whatever. Get over it. You got your pension, that's all worked out. But still you'll quit if you have to live here.

Did you not read the name of the position when you applied? It did not say fry guy at Mickey D's.

You want the truth? It's simple. You just don't have it anymore, and maybe you never did, you and your goddamn shit PowerPoint slides. What is that? Do you think you are some corporate executive? Your brand of bullshit wouldn't fly in the corporate world, even if you invented the the CockofthewalkBerry. Though, I think you could really stand behind something like that. You and Captain Sleepy could sell alarm ringtones to augment it (your ringtone would utter "crime is down! crime is down! crime is down!" and his would just be some hardcore snoring).

Hey! I got a Powerpoint Presentation for you!

Slide 1
"Fuck you!"

Slide 2
"FUCK OFF"

Slide 3
"ITS OFF TO FUCKOFFITY LAND FOR YOU!"

So take your pension, buy something sexy, and stop wasting my money and embarrassing me with your disrespect, and get the fuck out of my town!

Please.

G SPOT on the Downhigh!