How do you Make an Egg Black?

Well, it is pretty easy for the dimwitted dirtbags at the cafeteria where I work.

Our work cafeteria has grill/griddle area, where you can line up to get lunch or breakfast. The nice thing about the line is it never really moves and you are never really sure who has placed his/her order and who has not.

It is pretty much a shell game, and the shellmaster/grillmaster/dickwadster is not going to let you know, either. They have the customer's view of the grill and griddle blocked by this tall steel fence. You can look behind it if you walk right up close and obviously lean in, kind of when you look over a bridge to the highway below. What usually greets you is something cooking on a 5 inch square of the grill area. This never changes, whether 5 or 10 or 20 people are waiting for their food.

When that area of the grill is cleared, the chef — I mean Chef Dickmiester Wankfuck — will then look up. His eyes are saying, "I have killed before and I will again," but his mouth will ask, "What do you want?" He usually only hears the first part of your order, which doesn't really matter because that is all he is going to make you anyway. So a sausage, egg and cheese bagel will become either an egg on a bagel, sausage and an egg, or an egg with cheese. Not all three, because you had him at Egg and Cheese. If you ask for particular type of bread that is not on display in front of him, he will go away for a spell while his adoring and growing crowd languishes. The cool thing is that after that few minutes or ten, or more, he usually comes back with nothing in his hands and he'll start to cook whatever he wants.

When you really think about it, this is a pretty good system. It is called, "I'm here til 3:30 pm. I can make a bunch of things quickly or I can make a few things very slowly and I still get paid the same."

Most of the time I avoid the grill/griddle, as I don't have a half hour to wait in the morning. But one morning I took a chance and ordered an egg, while he told me the guy before me who ordered was an asshole. I thought yeah maybe he was. The next time I guess I became the asshole. I ordered an egg and cheese and let me tell you, I never thought I would live to see a black egg, but I have and I am not richer for it.

So the dickweed on the grill hands me my sandwich that kind of resembles the leftovers of a liposuction. I open the sandwich and the egg is covered in black soot. It is kind of black and kind of green and not white at all. I tell the woman at the cash register, since I was afraid of the cook, because he has access to sharp cooking utensils, and is quite possibly on some type of prison release program. She looked at it and said, "He is a nice guy." I didn't ask her if he was a nice guy. So I said, "No he's not. He's not a nice guy. This is garbage. Unbelievable garbage." She took it from me and threw it in the trash. I paid for my coffee and left.

The next day I was back and the cashier, an older woman, was firing daggers of hate at me. I am now boycotting the shitfest my workplace calls a cafeteria. I know I can be a dick sometimes, and I can be kind of grumpy whenever I'm hunrgy or tired or am uncomfortable (like an infant). But, like taking your first dump of the day, my breakfast is supposed to be a quiet time between my stomach and my mouth. It is best that I walked away from Mr. Grillfuck, as I get very upset when people FUCK WITH MY BREAKFAST! My work cafeteria gets one middle finger and two poopy pinkies. Tartboy out!

ps. Years ago a guy I know, who was a bit of a mouthbreather was sitting across from me with his girlfriend, who was also a mouthbreather, who decided she was going to just reach over and take a bite of my pancake. I pitchforked her fork and looked into her eyes, and shook my head no, "not today you retarded freeloader."